Title: Pickle Licker: A Quirky Christmas Novella
Author: Allie Gail
Genre: Romantic Comedy
Release Date: December 19, 2018
He had it. I wanted it.
And that’s how it ended up in my mouth.
Oh, get your mind out of the gutter, will you? I’m not talking about THAT!
All I did was give it a little lick. Okay, fine, I may have shoved the whole thing in my face. Not my finest moment, but hey, the guy deserved it. At least now Saul Stryker knows I exist.
Why is he always hanging around here anyway? Smelling like bottled sin, looking way too hot while he casually raids my fridge. Just because his business partner is my roommate, Stryker acts like he owns the place. Well, he can’t just help himself to whatever he wants, whenever he wants it!
So what am I, the invisible girl?
That’s it – bring on the coal, I’m done being nice!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
For f***’s sake, it was just a pickle!
Why is this chick going all Bad Santa on me? One minute I’m having lunch with Perry and next thing I know, his weirdo roommate is hijacking my kosher dill and slurping on it like a demented bloodhound.
Is it wrong that I may have been slightly turned on by the way she was deep-throating that thing?
This could get interesting. Because now I’m looking beyond the berets, Uggs and tacky Christmas sweaters, and noticing Jayne Pritchett for the first time.
I gotta say, I’m liking what I’m seeing.
And now all I want is for the little pickle licker to notice me.
Contains sexual situations (obviously), adult language (naturally), and possibly a few inappropriate references to garden vegetables. Just sayin’.
When I wake up Sunday morning, I am stunned to find the kitchen fully stocked with enough groceries to last for a month.
And a very large cucumber strategically placed on the counter, with a handwritten note tucked beneath it.
Found you a new boyfriend since I so tactlessly consumed your last one. Sorry about that. If I’d known you were vegisexual, I never would have done it. Say hello to Francois. The cucumber, as you know, is a very versatile vegetable and is not limited to fellatio so please feel free to explore all your options. Francois has already assured me that he is fully on board with whatever kinky fuckery you’re into. Should be a match made in heaven. Safe sex, you two!
My mouth drops open.
Oh, he’s dead meat.
Clutching the offending object in my hand, I make a beeline toward the studio so I can tell that smartass just what he can do with his stupid cucumber. I’m assuming they must be in there, even though Perry doesn’t tend to stream on Sundays. They’re probably working on their super-secret project, whatever it is.
Without bothering to knock, I fling the door open so hard it bounces off the wall. Yep, there they are. Both of them.
Waving the cuke in the air, I shout at Saul, “You pig! I know you are not seriously suggesting that I stick produce up my vagina! What’s wrong with you? Do you shove random vegetables up your ass?”
They swivel around in their chairs, looking startled. And that’s when I realize, with a horrible sinking feeling, that they’re wearing their headphones.
Oh, God. Oh-h-h God. Please tell me that doesn’t mean what I think it means.
Biting back grins, they exchange wary glances. Perry is the first to speak. And when he does, I want to crawl in a hole and pull the dirt in over me.
“Uh, Jayne…would you care to say hello to our viewers?”
Oh. My. Gawd!
Panicking, I do the only thing that comes to mind.
I throw the cucumber and run away, shrieking.
Born and raised in rural Alabama, Allie Gail currently resides in sunny Florida with her very own blue-eyed Prince Charming and a hyperactive hamster named Toot-Toot. Always an avid reader, she took to her keyboard on a whim in 2012 and that was the last anyone ever saw of her. (Just kidding – I did venture out of the house that one time, but only because I was tricked into it. Stupid hurricane.)
Her genre of choice is romance, featuring goofy but headstrong heroines and the sexy, snarky men who love them. When she isn’t obsessively typing, deleting, and re-typing the same sentence over and over, Allie can usually be found snuggled up to her hubby watching B-movie horror, helping out with the family business or playing online RPG games while indulging her hopeless sugar addiction.
You can also find her on Facebook, so stop by and say hello. She would love to hear from you!